A is for Absence

A is for Absence
I  intended to write this piece about the absence of happiness and well being.  You see in February I learned that I had lung cancer which I must say came as a huge shock to me, a non-smoker.  And unfortunately this is not my first experience with cancer.  In 2010 I was successfully treated for breast cancer.

Facing two life threatening illnesses in less than four years would knock the wind out of anyone's  sails, right?  I can't help but feel betrayed by my own body and in very weak moments I wonder why me God?  To add insult to injury, at the time of my diagnosis I was suppose to be leaving for a once in a life time trip to Hawaii with my best friend.  Yup, sometimes life just doesn't seem fair but then whoever said it was?

I changed my ticket destination from Honolulu, Hawaii to Rochester, Minnesota and instead of packing bathing suits and sandals I filled my luggage with sweaters and warm socks (yes, I shed a few tears) and headed to Mayo Brothers Clinic.  I'm currently undergoing six weeks of radiation and chemotherapy and living in Hope Lodge which is a wonderful place that provides housing for in-treatment cancer patients at no charge.

I've been here three weeks now and this is the first time in my adult life that I have been totally alone without family and friends close by.  As I said earlier, I planned this piece to be about the absence of well being because that is how I was feeling but as I began to write I started to view this experience in a new light.

They say there are no such thing as coincidences and I believe that.  I think "coincidences" are our guardian angels guiding us but if you are a skeptic you be the judge:

Coincidence #1 - It was a fluke that my lung cancer was even discovered as I had no symptoms.   I caught a particularly nasty flu virus that was going around at work, went to the walk-in-clinic and a chest x-ray showed something "suspicious".

Coincidence #2 -  A girlfriend of mine arranged for me to meet a friend of hers who previously had lung cancer.  He gave me some very good advice.  Do not waste time with local doctors and small town hospitals.  Go to Mayo Clinic.   It is not something I would have even considered but after talking to him I immediately made plans to do just that.

Coincidence #3 - Because I had been saving money for my Hawaiian vacation I had the funds needed to make two separate trips to Mayo Brothers for additional testing.   

Coincidence #4 - The exact day I began treatment at Mayo Brothers a room became available at Hope Lodge.  They tell me that never happens, it is usually a seven to ten day wait.  I would have had to stay at a hotel until there was an opening which would have been extremely hard financialy.

Coincidence #5 - Well this isn't really a coincidence.  All the love, support, well wishes and prayers from my family, friends, coworkers and acquaintances has totally lifted my spirit.  Never underestimate how much a kind word or deed means to someone who is struggling.

Mayo Clinic is an eye opener.  When I came here I was feeling very sorry for myself but everywhere I look there are people struggling with serious illness and disease.  My problems seem small in comparison when I see a young mother who's child just had a bone marrow transplant or the  newly wed who had a brain tumor removed and is going through radiation.

I saved the best for last.  The other eye opener is how many wonderful, caring people donate their time and services to complete strangers.  Volunteers who walk through the chemo wards offering cold drinks and snacks, the lady who mans the desk at Hope Lodge every Saturday afternoon to "give back" because her husband once stayed there, folks who drop off homemade goodies or hand knitted hats for the residents, and many more.

So what started out as a blog on the absence of happiness and well being has morphed in to a reminder to count your blessings. They are always there, sometimes we just have to look a little harder to find them.

 



  

Girlfriends

Navigating through Friday rush hour traffic I was looking forward to meeting some girlfriends for happy hour at a local pub.  As I walked through the door a blast of warm air and the din of raised voices greeted me.  Threading my way through the closely packed tables, I spotted Kelly madly waving her arms (a dead give away she had been there for awhile) and as I sat down in my chair I thought, not for the first time, how lucky I was to have these girls in my life.

Growing up my family moved on average every three years.  If I was fortunate the relocation would happen in the summer, but more often than not I would find myself walking in to a new school smack in the middle of a school year.  Each time I anticipated with dread those first awkward days of not knowing any one.  Being shy and not very sure of myself I'd wait for someone to take pity on the new kid and make the first overture.  Slowly I'd build new friendships only to lose them when we once again moved on.  I'm sure those experiences have a lot to do with why I cherish the friendships I have now. 

I do have some women acquaintenances who don't seem to need the comraderie and support of other women and I wonder if they know what they are missing?  For me getting together with girlfriends is like being one slice of a nice warm apple pie.  I feel truly privileged to count so many strong, caring women as friends and if you are one of them and reading this I want you to know how much I value each and every one of you!    

Age is Just a Number

I'm on the cusp of leaving my 50's behind and I gotta say that I won't be sorry to see them in the rearview mirror.  It's ironic because I spent my 30's and 40's trying my best to ignore that fact that time waits for no man (or woman), and yes those really were wrinkles I was seeing and heaven forbid but my magical metabolism had deserted me.  It was about this time that I began to take seriously those little homilies like, "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips" and "Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician". 

Having recently broken my wrist, I'm currently slogging my way through physical therapy and it is abundantly apparent that I no longer bounce back as quick as I once did.  But there is always something to be thankful for if you take the time to look.  For example I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt, well physically anyway.

These days I am absolutely enamored of oldsters who maintain their zest for life and I've come to the conclusion that the key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible.  So I'll embrace turning 60 and will remember the wise words of Oliver Wendell Holmes, "To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old."

The Game

1) Use the photo and the 5 words provided in your story
2) Keep your word count 500 words or less.
3) You have until next Tuesday to link up your post.
4) Link up with your blog hostess (Nicole, Carrie, Tena or Leanne) when you’re done via the inLinkz linky below.
5) Have fun, don’t stress, let those creative juices flow.

Your photo:

Your (randomly generated) mandatory words:

                                                                            prank
                                                                            printer
                                                                            profit
                                                                            capsicum
                                                                            goal


With the sun going down Allison reached in her backpack for a sweater. Spotting the can of pepper spray tucked on top she felt a chill that had nothing to do with the weather.  She was only there because Jenny had cajoled her in to watching the game.  Recently relocated from her hometown in Tennessee the move had been an act of desperation with a goal of putting distance between her soon to be ex-husband and herself.  As usual, thoughts of Perry produced a pang of regret.  She missed him, missed being married and the security of knowing someone loved her.  "Knock it off," she chided herself, "if a man can cheat on Halley Berry what chance do the rest of us have?"  With a little shake she turned her attention back to the game.

"Come on Ali, it will be fun," Jenny wheedled, "we'll order pizza, make a pitcher of Margarita's, and have some good old fashion girl talk."  Ali had begged off explaining she had to finish preparing for an early meeting.  Now, driving home, she began to wish she had taken her friend up on the invite.  Navigating through dark streets her nervousness increased.  "Damn," she thought, "those prank calls are really getting to me."  Spotting her driveway, she used the remote to open the garage and was relieved to see the interior light come on.  Pulling in she quickly closed the door behind her and feeling a little foolish grabbed the can of pepper spray. "Better safe than sorry," she thought, "capsicum may not stop a maniac but used correctly it would slow him down." 

Keys in hand she hurried to the service door.  As she entered the house she paused, surveying the dim interior.  All was as she had left it, "See, no boogey-man here," she said loudly flicking on the kitchen overhead.  With some trepidation she walked over to the phone and was happy to see no new messages.  Recently someone had been calling and then hanging up when she answered.  She didn't know if they were trying to frighten her but if so they were succeeding.

 She kicked off her shoes, poured a glass of red wine and proceeded to the spare room that served as her home office.  With a sigh she sank on to an oversize chair and began to review Trans-Continental's profit and loss statement.

An insistent ringing penetrated her sleep addled brain and feebly she groped for the offending phone. She heard a click and then a dial tone. She had fallen asleep in the chair but was now wide awake and unsure what to do.  Peering at the clock she saw it was just after 3:00 a.m.  Suddenly the printer whirred to life as it spit out an incoming fax.  Shakily Angie reached for the single sheet of paper on which was a hand written note, "I'M COMING FOR YOU".  Unexpectedly she smiled.   The writing was Perry's.  He had been the one calling and he was coming to get her!



     

Hair Raising Tale

You would think by now I would give up on fairy tales and happy endings but being the eternal optimist I keep searching for that special stylist who can magically transform my hair from frumpy to fierce.

Granted they don't have much to work with.  My hair is fine and stick straight so I'm not expecting miracles but just once I'd like to walk out of a salon without thinking, "Oh God, what have I done?"

Unfortunately yesterday was one of those days.  I had taken in pictures of styles that I like and even some I didn't so there would be no misunderstanding.  After donning a smock and settling into the chair I proceeded to show her my carefully selected photos.  She took one quick glance and said, "Sure, no problem, we can get that look,"and she proceeded to go to town.

As she razor cut my strands my hopes grew.  Then came my favorite part, the hair washing/head massage with heavenly smelling shampoo.  That done we move back to the chair and she whips out her blow dryer faster than I whip out my credit card at Bloomingdales.  And that's where the dream died.  The pictures I had brought were all of textured dos, piecy and flipped back away from the face and she was using a round brush smoothing my hair forward. 

"Oh," she cooed, "So pretty, this looks so good on you."  "But," I sputtered, "this isn't what I want at all," pointing at the picture I brought.    By now she is getting the idea I'm not happy so she goops a punch of pommade on her hand and starts scrunching.  "See," she says, "you just have to work with it."   Now I'm in a catch-22.  Dig a deeper hole by asking her to try again or cut my losses (literally) and get the hell out of dodge.  I chose the later.  And then I went home, washed my hair and styled it myself.  But I refuse to accept defeat, next time I know I'll find The One

Queenie

1)Use the photo and the 5 words provided in your story

2) Keep your word count 500 words or less.

3) You have until next Tuesday to link up your post.

4) Link up with your blog hostess (Nicole, Carrie, Tena or Leanne) when you’re done via the inLinkz linky below.

5) Have fun, don’t stress, let those creative juices flow.

This week's photo:

The Words:  Carriage, Gym, Poster, North, Bar

Her carriage was that of a queen, head held high, shoulders thrust back, eyes straight ahead.  Long black hair and blunt cut bangs showed off high cheek bones.  Stephanie St. Clair was a poster child for black royalty.  Known through out Manhattan as Queenie, her Harlem neighbors respectfully called her Madame St. Claire.

Queenie was a rare breed of woman, a female gang leader in 1930's New York who ran her business with an iron fist.  Walking north on 5th Avenue, her heels making a sharp staccato in the night she passed a park that in daylight would be filled with kids playing on the jungle gym, the merry-go-round, and the monkey bars.  Now, devoid of people, it was a menacing dark hole but she gave it no notice.

 She had just left a meeting with a  mobster named Dutch Schultz.  His clumsy attempt to intimidate her was nothing short of insulting.  "Go to hell," was all she said before turning her back on the gangster.  She wasn't paying him, or anyone else for protection.  This was her territory and she'd damn well make sure they all understood who ran the neighborhood.   The walk would do her good, give her time to cool off.    "As ye sow, so shall ye reap," she muttered to herself.

Someone peered out their window but quickly retreated behind a curtain when they saw the lone figure.  Trouble was no stranger to Harlem.




   
    

Thoughts and Prayers

The clock reads 1:45 a.m. and I can't sleep.  I tried reading, I tried a glass of wine, I tried counting sheep, I tried concentrating on breathing in and out, I even took a Xanax.  I checked for a full moon but that wasn't the culprit.  The harder I tried to fall asleep the more agitated I became.  Finally, after two hours of tossing and turning I was forced to face what had me in a turmoil.  A delayed reaction to the the haunting images of the Oklahoma twister.

When I first saw the footage, the scope of the disaster registered but in a subdued way.  We are constantly bombarded by news coverage of horrific events, and as I watched yesterday's carnage on TV I felt somewhat detached, as though the cumulative viewing of these type of scenes have left me desensitized.  At least that's what I thought until I lay in bed, tossing and turning.  In reality my mind was trying to come to terms with what it had seen.  The images of the elementary school that was destroyed, the first responders sorting through demolished buildings, the total obliteration of houses that once lined city blocks.  Laying in the dark it was all to easy to imagine the panic as the tornado bore down, the desperation of parents searching for their children, the aftermath the survivors saw after the tornado had passed.  The numbness I had felt was an illusion, a protection mechanism to shield me from the horrors that fate can lay at any of our doors.

To the victims and their families please know that hundreds of thousands like me are sending you our thoughts and prayers.